Relationships: What to do when you've falsely accused your faithful spouse of cheating

Paul Lines By Paul Lines, 27th Oct 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/21cehguh/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

Wrongly accusing one's spouce of cheating can be a marriage breaker. At the very least the wrongful accuser will need to take some serious steps to rebuild the relationship

Wrongful accusation

The silence is almost unbearable. The hurt in the eyes of your spouse feels like a knife tearing at your heart. The trust is draining away like your lifeblood. Why is all of this happening? It is your fault, because you have just wrongly accused your spouse of cheating on you and it has been proven beyond doubt that the accusation was false. He or she has not been unfaithful. You were wrong to accuse. Yet your words hang like a crown of thorns over the head of your loved one, unable to be retrieved. What do you do to make it right, what can you do?

You were so sure of yourself when you began. The facts all seemed to point towards an affair and indicated that your loved one had breached the trust that should exist between married couples and yet now it is you who has broken that trust. It is you who has to hope the damage can be repaired.

Trying to put things right

Apology
The first step needed is to apologise. Accept the expressions and words of anger from your wronged partner, if they happen, without thinking of responding in kind. He or she has a right to be upset and angry. Similarly, you must make the apology unconditional and show by your words and actions that this is the case. By that I mean that no attempt should be made to justify your actions, because there is none. Apologise sincerely and with humility.

Don't expect, or even worse demand, an acceptance of your apology. Your loved one has been hurt and people react in different ways to dealing with such emotional upset. Give him or her time if they need it; time to calm down and to come to terms with what has happened. It may take them a while to accept that you are truly sorry and you have to be patient and allow your loved one the space to make the decision.

Explanation
When the atmosphere has calmed ask your loved one if you can sit down quietly together in order that you can try to explain the reason behind your accusation. Again, this is not a question of being able to justify what has happened, it is a means of clearing the air. In addition, with the help of your spouse, you may find what it was within yourself that caused such a mistake and they might be able, if they are willing, to help you to deal with that situation, even if it is something as dangerous as jealousy. Sometimes we see ourselves better through another person's eyes. In a situation like this, we need our partner’s vision.

Forgiveness
The next step is to ask for forgiveness. In that quiet time take their hand in yours and tell them you would like to be forgiven. You cannot, at that stage expect them to forget, but you can say that you hope you love and affection and future actions will lead to you both being able to put the situation behind you in the future. Forgiveness is important in providing both of you with healing.

Rebuilding
It is you who have broken the trust, therefore it is imperative that you accept the responsibility of needing to rebuild the relationship, which of course can only be achieved with the help of the spouse who has been wronged. But you must take that first step on the path to rebuilding and mean it. Working together the two of you will be able to recover the loving relationship that you had before, but it takes intention, determination, commitment and time. Do not expect miracles as the pain will not disappear overnight. Work slowly and carefully as you seek to re-establish the close and committed relationship and it will happen.

Learning the lesson

Finally, you must learn from the experience. In the future think twice before you say something that might cause pain to others, especially where that comment might not be true. If something happens that you do not understand, ask and explain your reasons for the questions. Never accuse unless there is literally no doubt that you are right, because the next time you might not be able to put right the consequences.

Wrongly accusing your spouse of infidelity is one of the worst mistakes you can make in a relationship. Make sure your regret and apologies are real and come from the heart and ask for his or her help to enable you both to move onto the future, putting the past behind.

Tags

Cheating, False, Marriage, Marriage Relationship Problems, Relationships, Spouse

Meet the author

author avatar Paul Lines
Having spent a large part of my working life as a business consultant, I am now a full time freelance writer offering content for on-line and print publishers, as well as focusing on creative writing

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Comments

author avatar Keith Brown
12th Feb 2011 (#)

I think your blog is well represented here. But, my problem is this person constantly accuses me of things I didn't do and she cannot provide one proof of anything. What can I do?

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author avatar Amanda
13th Mar 2012 (#)

Thank you for writing this. This is exactly what I needed after being falsely accused.

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author avatar Paul Lines
20th Mar 2012 (#)

Kieth, you need patience to show her without anger that the accusations are false. To be able to find out exactly what is driving her to make these comments too you and discover whether there is a deeper reason behind her words and anger.

Amanda, I am glad that these words have helped you

Paul

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author avatar Amber
13th Aug 2012 (#)

I really needed to read this after being wrongly accused of cheating on my boyfriend. Being wrongly accused of cheating hurts to the core, especially when you have put so much effort and time into showing your partner that you have their backs and are 100% there for them. Hopefully my boyfriend will see the error in his accusations, because honestly, this whole situation appears to be a deal breaker for me.

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author avatar Perseverance
31st Aug 2012 (#)

I want words or sentence how to apologize to my husband of cheating

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13th Sep 2012 (#)

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author avatar Merry
30th Jan 2013 (#)

Wow, that is really tacky, to use this as a forum to peddle a spy & suspicion service.

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author avatar Ethan
12th Oct 2012 (#)

All of this goes out the window if your partner has borderline personality disorder and is triangulating with other men: chatting online, reconnecting with old boyfriends, etc. Even if it's not physical or sexual and the person is doing it to ease their emptiness, fear of abandonment, and fear of engulfment. It is still cheating. It was being done behind my back.

I am cleaning out my computer after my borderline soon to be ex-wife left and found this and other "cheating" articles. Now it makes sense why she was throwing this stuff in my face.

The more loving and accommodating I was to her, the more emotionally and physically withdrawn she became. I asked her if she had found someone else and wanted to move on. This was skewed by her and turned around so she could tell everyone that I was accusing her of cheating on me. It's sad.

I found many of the chat records still in my computer's save records, even though she cleared the browser daily.

I put this in here because although I liked and support your article, there is always the possibility a partner is being unfaithful, just not in the way or for the reasons we traditionally think.

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author avatar Merry
30th Jan 2013 (#)

Ethan, I feel for you but this is an article specifically for situations where the accused spouse is innocent. Your situation does not fit into that category. Those who have committed the betrayal of accusing an innocent partner are sometimes still reluctant to take full responsibility for the seriousness of their offense and still trying to justify themselves & if they are reading this page your comment may serve to feed their desire to excuse and justify themselves which could only hinder the process of fixing what they broke.

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author avatar Renee
4th Mar 2013 (#)

I too accused my husband of cheating with a coworker. He has always talked to and about his coworkers, but it was something about her that didn't
sit we'll with me. I asked himif he had something going on wit her. He said of course not. We had a get together at our house shortly after and he invited her. i told him i didn't feel comfortable with her coming. He told the coworker my
suspicions and that he could only deal with her work related. He told me she cried when he told her that, but I said yeah right. About 8 months after the first accusation, his cell phone got wet and a friend told him to put it in rice to dry out. I took the opportunity when he was at work to put it back together and read his messages. There wasn't a single phone call or message from this coworker, but from the rest of his team. I found this a little odd. I confronted him. He told me he erased them because he didn't want to have to explain himself every time her number showed up or there was a message. He was very upset and told me if I kept accusing him I could leave. I agonized over it, i never had any real proof so I decided to let it go, apologize and ask for forgiveness. I believe in spirit intervening and the following weekend saw this coworker at an event. I felt led to apologize to her and ask for forgiveness for accusing her. She was deeply hurt, said she understood and forgave me. There was no judgment on her part. I felt even worse, because here was a woman I had wrongly accused, made life at work uncomfortable and she was not angry at all. I realize that it was my own insecurities and our problems in our marriage that led me to believe he was cheating. We had moved to a new country the year before. I made the decision to stop teaching and stay home with my daughter who had just turned two at the time, I had no family or friends. I was a real nag and drag. I said to myself if I feel this way about me, he does too. I met this coworker she was beautiful and sweet and total opposite of me at the time. I am now in a much better place, feel good about me and realize it was just me wanting to see what I saw. Fortunately, my husband has forgiven me, I feel at peace in my heart and soul.

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author avatar Cyan
3rd Apr 2014 (#)

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